


My Actual Dreams

by anishahello



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Depression, Gender Dysphoria, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Nonbinary Character, Other, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-02-13 10:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12982155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anishahello/pseuds/anishahello
Summary: I post dreams I've had in real life to avoid the fact that I can't get out of my fucking writers block.I'll put things I might start working on while I have this up in the notes.





	1. Dream File Number One

\---(Dream One.)----

The appearance of, said hotel reminded me of a slightly pastel New York apartment building in the night. Strange description, I know, but mind you I'm trying to get a look at this place while I am dangling from a windowsill. What am I doing here exactly, well, even I don't know, but so far the only thing I am doing is spying on each apartment, or are these hotel rooms? Huh, should have checked if this was a hotel or an apartment building. No matter, I should keep, doing whatever I'm doing. 

Not that much time passes, before a red hand comes from the window and immediately, I think, "It's the Devil, I'm being dragged straight to hell ah shit-" no, that doesn't happen, because the moment I am pulled up, I am faced with, Cartoonz's fan art self. He looked pissed, and I have never been more, uncomfortable. I am dropped on the ground like my weight is nothing to him. All the eyes on me had grown an anxiety in me that hasn't been there in a long time.

I close my eyes, the words he was barking at me have been ignored from the start. I open my eyes, and suddenly I'm knee deep in mud. There's someone there with me, an old woman. I turn to my left, and see that near the mud pit I have been placed in, a concert is going on. People are having an amazing time, despite the fact that I can't see the singer, there is only a glitch where they could be.

I turn back to the old woman, who looked impatient. She then explained, "You have a mission-" I then slowly grew aggravated, because her words were also drowned out by a strange buzz, the world around me began to feel very strange. Ignoring it, I somehow manoeuvre through the mud, ignoring the fact that while my mind was fuzzy, the old woman disappeared. Doing some things with this strange yellow gate in the middle of the mud, I began working, on something.

As I work, I begin to notice something in the corner of my eye, but I wasn't quick enough to see all of Markiplier, because my sight goes black.

I now realise, that he was holding a sniper, and I had been shot in the head.

\--(End of Dream One.)-----

\----(Dream Two.)-------

Y'know that movie theatre video game, no, have you ever been in a movie theatre? Well, just imagine a hallway of one of those, but it's a lot smaller now and not very well lit. I am in a clear rush, some vial was in my hands, glowing yellow liquid. There are people yelling in my ear, but I choose to ignore it, because apparently everything they're yelling at me, I know already.

That's not because I'm arrogant, it's simply for the fact that I'm in such a hurry, I can't just stop and take opinions. Why am I in such a hurry, you ask? To my knowledge, there's something I must do before everything falls apart. Heavy shit, I know, but that's what's going on, at least to my knowledge. I am now breaking from the crowd, going down a tight hallway, like, I have to turn my body to the side to get through. Despite the squeeze, people are still following me. Suddenly, I realise that the movie theatre was inside of a hotel, who knew?

I finally respond to the people behind me, by pushing away files that people are trying to hand me. The person sounded pissed but, to their anger I paid no mind. Finally taking in my surroundings, I see that the hotel around me looked fancy, like, things were embroidered in gold, that kind of fancy. The carpet was so red, it reminded me of fake movie blood, too red to actually be blood.

Suddenly not distracted by the beautiful decor of the hotel I notice that I'm going down golden stairs, going straight to the lobby being followed by many others. I am suddenly now holding the files that I denied before, relieved that in my haze, I didn't drop the vial. It's still glowing yellow, so nothing changed there. Quickly making my way down the stairs, I actually look to my side into the lobby, and all of my rage and stress are slowly turned into strong feelings of fear and sadness. 'The survivors.' My brain somehow was able to whisper who these people were, the ones looking at me with hope.

Keeping the same pace down the stairs, I turn, because the loud foosteps of all the people following me suddenly grew quiet. I turn and see that there wasn't anyone following me, after all. In that moment I realise, I had just been creating people in my mind to be the manifestations of my stress and fear. I make my way to the bottom of the stairs, not making eye contact with anyone, as if guilty.

Finding a table, I look around at everyone, and position it to where when I stand on it, everyone would be able to see me. I take a deep breath, and stand on the table, dropping the files at my feet, as if I decided at the last minute, they won't matter. The only noise that took up the large room had been the rain from the outside hitting the windows. The silence was evident that the people are so ready to hear what I have to say, and it made me feel even more guilty. The vial could not be held stagnant in my nervous, shaking hands. I began to speak, tears threatening to spill already.

I couldn't hear my own words, but I knew it was bad news, because the people looked depressed, furious, and some even betrayed. I have never felt so much like the one in the wrong before, not like this. Suddenly, the crowd goes silent, the moment the glass windows break, all of them. I suddenly realise, there had been zombies outside the whole time. I failed to make a cure. I failed to make something that these people had looked onto me to do, the one job I had been given. These people would never get to live and follow their dreams.

It's all my fault.

Dropping quickly from my position, even the vial in my hands, I try to run away. Closing my eyes I begin running deeper into the hotel, but the moment I open my eyes, I am in front of the very hotel, with no idea how I got past the crowd of zombies combined with the group of people I let down. My shirt is scratched and bloody, with my blood alone, giving me only a small idea of how I got past everything. 

My breathing was laboured, so that must be a factor to how I, escaped? Not sure this would be escaping though. My shaking frame turns around, and sees the people who looked depressed from before, had been turned into zombies already.

If my heart wasn't broken before, it is now. They were watching me, just like before. This time though, none of them have lives to look towards, thanks to me. Tears coat my cheeks but don't cloud my vision.

They were watching me, as if waiting for me to speak, once more. Ironic, that they are waiting for my last words. Taking one more deep breath, I sob, unashamed my how ugly I look sobbing like this, "I don't want to die."

My want does not come true, because, in a few moments, I am devoured, by my own mistake.

\---(End of Dream Two.)------


	2. This NonBinary has Gender Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had a dream a while ago that made me not want to write, for like the longest fucking time for how it made me felt. Can I add Steve Rodgers to the tag if he's only in one chapter????

I'm surrounded by others, and they look and sound frightened. I don't get the chance to read my surroundings for too long, only catching that I'm in a parking lot, it just rained, and we are surrounded by a gate. I turn and see that there are people in the corner, methodically working on a gun, but my eyes are then suddenly gravitated towards a woman standing alone in the corner.

Her hair was a mess, her outfit was all black. It consisted of a turtleneck, slacks, and very bloody high heels. Where the blood came from, I didn't want to know. Her fingernails and fingers were also bloodt, which made me even more uncomfortable. What took the cake that the woman probably wasn't actually alive was her neck. It became the only logical place the blood on her hands could have come from. A horrible feeling brewed in me the moment I piece together what exactly gave her the marks on her neck.

There were rope marks that stood out like a sore thumb on her neck, as if she had pulled a rope from under her skin, with her fingers. Her eyes were hazy, as if she herself can't grasp what she's doing. Her bloody hands pull her unruly blonde hair out of her sunken in face, her dead blue eyes finally focusing on something, and it was me.

I wanted to move away, back off and leave her alone. Licking her chapped red lips, also moving dry blood that had lingered on her chin. It made it more evident that the woman wasn't living anymore. With a few hoarse, liquidly breaths, she began to speak. Her voice had silenced all the plotting, praying, and crying in the crowd of people. "What the fuck, is SHE doing here?" It was obvious that the woman was pointing at me, and it made me uncomfortable how deep, and grating her voice was.

Everyone turns to me, and I freeze. "What is a little dumb fuck like you doing around a GOD like me?" Her words were so bizarre, that I almost didn't take them seriously. If it had not been for her deep voice, I would not be this disturbed by her words. The only part that truly disturbed me was, when she used gender pronouns, she made sure to use the incorrect ones when referring to me, as if she knows.

Collecting my thoughts, I open my mouth slightly to respond, but I was quickly shut down. "A WOMAN does NOT speak unless spoken to, slut." Everything about her sentence was wrong, but I couldn't find the energy to actually prove her wrong. Throughout this exchange, the people have finished working on the gun. Before they could do anything with it though, I see Steve Rodgers himself appear out of the corner of my eye.

The awful feeling of gender dysphoria in my gut is slightly lifted, until I spot the look on his face, and it returns, more crippling than before. He is suddenly in front of me, and grabs me by the front of my shirt, "A woman such as yourself shouldn't look uncomfortable when being handled by a man." The fact that the woman's voice and his voice had spoken at the same time had caused me to begin shaking in fear. Tears threatened to spill, but something told me not to. In the corner of my eye, I see people line the gun up to kill the woman.

Shutting my eyes to avoid giving them away, I slightly jump when it actually does happen. I am disgusted but relieved at the sight of her brains everywhere, but Steve looks disturbingly depressed. He drops to his knees, but before I could check if, he was still in the same mindset as, that woman, I am being pulled away by a crowd of suddenly cheering people. I am being lifted in the air, being treated like a hero.

I can't find myself to cheer with them, or even feel a bit of joy. I felt sick, but glad the woman was dead. Gender dysphoria and paranoia were beginning to trickle away the moment that the crowd set me down at the gas station down the street. My calm moment could not be truly savoured though, because the light roof above the gas pumps suddenly rises,a green aura surrounding it.

I couldn't begin to process the sight of it, because in a blink of an eye, my whole body is in pain. I hear screaming, as others are trapped with me. Through all the rage, sadness, and screams of absolute gut wrenching pain, I close my eyes and sing myself to sleep, somehow ignoring everything.

"There's blood in my hair, there's blood in my hair, there's blood in my hair...fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself but what's new
> 
> The thing I sang is from
> 
> We Will Committ Wolf Murder by of Montreal, if anyone already knew, eyyyyyyyy ;^)


	3. Short Drug Deal Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is on the short side, sorry to make my return be like this. :f. Hopefully I can get off my ass and write more, I can only hope.

((I'm back fucking finally))

Waking up in Tokyo was strange enough, but the thought of someone putting on a Harley Quinn outfit on me in my sleep is enough to give me nightmares. I have no time to think about these small details now though, since I'm already on the move. 

I'm on the phone with someone, I didn't take in too much of what they are trying to say to me due to me just now taking in my surroundings. I'm in a small apartment, nothing was really special except a small room I pass by as I'm leaving. It looked like a typical conspiracy theorist room, newspapers on the wall connected by red yarn and everything. I'm not given the chance to actually look at the newspapers before I'm rushed out the door by myself, just now hanging up my phone in rage.

I'm then left to my thoughts, frustrated in the elevator until I blink as I see that I'm now storming down the street. Chalking it up to my impatience being so strong I could transport myself to other places, I accept the fact that I am now speed walking down the street, the people around me parting like the red sea from either my rage or possibly something else I couldn't see. Ignoring that, I find myself stopping near a warehouse, now wanting to have a secret presence as I sneak next to one, getting binoculars I had no idea I even was carrying. When I put them to my eyes and actually find what I was trying to, I find myself both interested and shocked.

It was Goku himself, talking to someone in a trench coat up to their eyes with a hat looking like Jack the Ripper. Goku was seemingly going through with a deal, I had somehow already known that they were dealing drugs without actually having sound from the meeting. I am then filled with a feeling of fear that I've never truly felt before the moment Goku's attention was turned towards where I was, the full blooded Sayian did not seem overjoyed to see me. "Harley!" He screams, confirming that I probably wasn't invited to his little conference with bootleg Jack the Ripper. Taking that as my signal to leave, I begin to run away from the rampaging Sayian, ignoring the deafening explosions that go off around me most likely caused to the Ki blasts that were being thrown at me. If I had been a bit stronger I would've probably been able to hear what Goku was screaming through the Ki blasts but here we are.

A sense of dread washes over me as I realise that I was growing tired, but it seemed that fate was on my side in that moment. Finding an opening in that now destroyed half of Tokyo, I seemingly find a way to slip into a well lit street alley without being seen by the Sayian. I did then move into a bathroom and change from the explosion wrecked Harley Quinn outfit into a red shirt, leather jacket, all black yoga pants and red high heels. I slightly pick at my hair and move from the bathroom, and I exhaustingly sit down at a street restaurant on the outside and begin eating, looking around suspiciously every now and then to make sure I was safe there. The people around me seemed to know I was coming, and were congratulating me for something that I was too tired to pay much attention to.

As if I'm not truly lucky after all, I look to the sky and begin to run once more, except this time not from explosions. What I was running away from this time, well I didn't stick around to figure it out.


	4. Short Chapter (Hotel)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short one this time, just a summary of a dream that stood out to me.

The hotel is unexpectedly nice, I really like the vibes it gives off. I'm somehow staying with Goku and Vegeta, and apparently they're getting along so well that I haven't had to pry themselves off of each other due to them fighting/arguing. I'm staring out of a window, the city below looks so small but so beautiful, and for a moment I want to question how we are this high up in the sky when we are in a hotel room but, my question is stopped by Goku himself. 

"Hey, me and Vegeta are going to the casino, and since you're underage, mind holding down the fort?" I immediately shake my head, knowing that this would be a good time that Goku and Vegeta can bond and get out of my hair at the same time.

"Go ahead, enjoy Vegas." I reply, and now I know inwardly that I'm currently in Vegas. He thankfully nods, Vegeta was already out the door but before he leaves he quietly smirks and waves at me, almost in thanks. I wave back and both Goku and Vegeta are gone, leaving me alone in the hotel room. Deciding to go against Goku's wishes immediately, I decide to leave the room to get some ice, sneaking so the two men did not hear me. 

The moment I reach the ice machine, I hear someone approach, but assume it's someone else coming here for some ice. I turn and low and behold, it is a very tired looking teenager with earbuds in, looking like he didn't want to be awake at the moment. "I'm done with the ice." I say it a bit loudly since his music sounded loud, and I begin walking back to the room before I am suddenly picked up by my hips.

Before I could scream though, my vision suddenly goes blank and I awaken in a hotel room, but I don't spot Goku and Vegeta's stuff the moment I wake up. As I wake up I realise that I'm handcuffed to the bed, and the teenage boy no longer looked tired and didn't have the earbuds in anymore. Quickly, not even listening to his evil little dialogue, I break out of the handcuffs with ease (apparently I have the strength to do so now) but before the boy who looked enraged could tackle me into submission, I kick him in the face and roll out of the bed, and in that moment I realise my clothes are all ripped up. 

Throwing the teenage boy into the closet and blocking it with a chair, I enter the hotel bathroom and get some towels to cover myself, running towards the door and busting it down. The boy sounded enraged but at this point, I didn't stay long enough to hear a word he said, let alone remember it.

Reaching the lobby was a lot faster than I thought originally, but I guess I was freaking out so much I rushed. It didn't take me long to find some cute clothes, like a crop top with the words, "I'm Gay" on it. Quickly buying that and some leggings I change in the bathroom, but it seemed that everything I was doing was in a rush, like I had somewhere to rush to. I then realise that I was rushing to tell Vegeta about the teenage boy, for some odd reason. I wake up from the dream after that, I still don't remember who I was to Goku and Vegeta, I just remember that I was trusted enough to split them up when they're arguing, and enough trust that they'd invite me to stay in a hotel room with them.


	5. Vegas Lights/Frights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dream that made me afraid to go back to sleep the next night so I made some attempt to stay up all night.
> 
> Please tell me what this dream means in the comments this is seriously bothering me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger Warning: Graphic Typing of Violence- Choking. If you are sensitive to this type of violence, please do not read the end of this chapter.)

_I was in Vegas with my family for this dream, and it all started pretty fucking well until, I'm going to save the information for the ending._

 

Walking around this strange casino like mall didn't seem strange to me, because I've never seen such a strange layout in Vegas. Normally, I would complain about this, but currently I am carrying a martini walking ahead of my family so nothing really bothers me completely. 

 

_For now._

 

I entered a few restaurants, all of them seemed interesting enough while drinking my ass off. The first restaurant was a blur which was strange, I wasn't that drunk at this moment. All I could remember that it was red, everywhere. (Not blood, but like the lighting was red and everything in the restaurant was a different shade of red.) I was doing everything but eat, since I was wandering around and bothering the patrons from some reason. The second and third ones flew by me faster than what I could even blink. At this point, I couldn't even begin to focus on anything around me. So, because I couldn't focus on anything around me, I decide to ditch the blurry lime green restaurant and go somewhere else, like the one that was somewhere else, a restaurant that was fully dark purple and black. I was supposed to be concerned about the situation a lot more than I really should, but apparently the alcohol is making that harder.  **I should find a way to get sober,** that was my only thought before I find myself in a fountain that was running through the restaurant, and when I was a good ways into the restaurant, I saw my father and groaned, (at least, attempted to, it came out as a laugh), and the moment I felt myself being hauled out of the water over someone's shoulder (my bet's on my dad's), and that's when I black out, and wake up on a strange group bed with people I wish I remembered. 

 

_This is a short chapter, I'm aware, but this next part will be a bit hard for me to write, but it's true. The moment I fell asleep with those other people on the little black bed, the dream really should have ended there. I wish the dream ended here, but it didn't. The next part of this dream should not reflect onto anyone living or dead, it is only a documentation of what happened in my dream. I'm sorry for this, and yes, this is me procrastinating typing the next half of the dream. I will put a trigger warning in the notes before this chapter and right here. **(Trigger Warning: Graphic Typing of Violence- Choking. If you are sensitive to this type of violence, please do not read the rest of this chapter.)**_

 

When I woke up, I felt a pressure on my body and gloved hands on my body. Opening my eyes gave me a feeling of fear I haven't felt in a while, it was Vanoss, full costume. His eyes were glowing gold, but his pupils were black slits, but I couldn't really do any other looking before his hands wrapped tighter onto my windpipe. His thumbs seemed to be closing in me under my chin, my hands were clawing at his muscular arms. Tears were pooling around my eyes, I wanted to so yell at him, or at least whisper, but due to my windpipe being forcibly closed. My hands were beginning to shake, and they could no longer grasp around his arms anymore. My vision was starting to show little black dots, kind of like my life was steadily slipping away. Before it could, his eyes suddenly are blue, and his hands were no longer round my throat. Coughing, I try and gather my bearings as he half-assed an apology, but I was trying to just gather air back into my lungs, and ignore my headache. 

 

_For the first time in a dream, I believed I would actually die in real life. At his hands of all people, I felt like, nothing I've felt like before. Fear, true fear unlike any other. Even after I woke up, I had to make myself breathe, because I thought I was still being choked. So, that's what happened in my dream. There you go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> save me

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, you've gotten to the end, yay!
> 
> The tags suck cuz I'm uploading this on my phone.
> 
> I'm thinking about writing:
> 
> All I'm thinking of writing right now is a lot more chapters to Shuffle Smut, so expect a huge wave of chapters in the near future. I also really want to like, expand my understanding on why I had the dreams I have.


End file.
